Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are paying $3.00 for Smart Water, it isn't working.

   Just discovered that spilling hot coffee in your lap wakes you up faster then drinking it.

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.

   Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus without a Facebook reminder.

   If I was Obama, I would have made my speech entrance by pushing a wheelbarrow with Bin Laden's body in it, dumped it on the ground and said, "We got him." That would've been bad-ass!

   popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $4. watchng ur frends bite into a caramel onion thinkin its an apple: priceless.

   Hey Facebook...if its not broke, don't fix it!! The new photo viewer sucks!

   Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   When a package says "Easy open" I end up using a knife, scissors, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   Just saw a bumper sticker that said Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive. Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.

   I have Big Boobs, I am amazing at Call of Duty, and I can make a really good sandwich, Unfortunately I am a guy...

   Ah the warm feeling when you see your ex has gotten fat.

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake and I like it :-)

   Ghetto word of the day: Bishop. My girlfriend fell down, so I pick the bishop.

   If you and your best friend don't have at least one night in your past that you vow to never discuss, you're not best friends.

   What makes you laugh... might surely make someone else laugh. And with laughter... comes smiles... and with smiles... comes happiness! It can be that simple!

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after things they can't afford... Mercedes, Diamond, Pearl, Car Insurance.

   Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in this store!