Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden

   Facebook got 2 billion to burn even though the site is 90% candy crush requests & fake news that tricked your grandma.

   I'm no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.

   No legs and he still managed to walk away from a murder charge?

   it just me or is "Pink" and Billy Idol the same person?

   If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.

   My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn't touch anything else, so that's good.

   I hope all that racket in Egypt doesn't wake Imhotep again. I don't think I could take another lame Mummy movie.

   If I am ever on life support and you pull my plug, wait 5 minutes and plug it back in.It seems to work great on my modem!

   My emotional response to getting tagged in a Facebook photo could be nominated for an Oscar.

   The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.

   I still think if people put "whats on their mind" and were honest... statistically the most popular status update would be "sex."

   Don't piss me off and then tell me to calm down. That's just like stabbing someone and then asking them not to bleed.

   Thinks its funny that cigarettes have a warning label on one side, and special offers on the other.

   They say milk gives you strength. Drink 3 glasses and move a wall. You can't. But drink 3 shots of vodka and see - the wall moves on its own! :p =D

   Life is full of disappointments, I'll just add you to the list.

   Thank goodness pets can't talk, they know way too much.

   ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

   I've been calling this random number asking for John all day with diffrent voices.. When I get home I'm going to call him back and say "this is John, do I have any messages"..

   It's not my birthday, but I'll take a spanking anyway.