Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judging by how much I like to crawl back under the covers in the morning I think I'd make a pretty awesome turtle.

   they call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved

   When you have an enemy mad at you...they will break your bones. But if you have a friend mad at you.... they will break your heart!!

   If you can't remember someone's name then, ask them "what was your name again?" Out of instinct, they tel you their first name. Then say "Oh I knew that, I meant your last name!" And boom, you get the full name, and you're not rude. Double score.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever....

   There aren't many things that I believe less in the world than than some tech support guy in India telling me his name is Jeff.

   some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"

   I say they give all politicains the Federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour....See how fast things change then!!!!

   i don't understand why people fly virgin airlines, why would you want to fly on an airlines that doesn't go all the way

   I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.

   Don't think too much. You'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.

   It"s ok to pretend you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   There's no doubt that a man's mind is behind Facebook. Why? Because it will ask you "What's on your mind?" and then it will put a limit on how long your status can be.

   Dear fat girl in a tube top, You look like a can of biscuits popped open.

   I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket

   I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

   --- Just bought the girlfriend a solar powered vibrator....Seeing as the sun shines out of her a** it should save me a fu**ing fortune on batteries.......

   An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.". Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.".

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

   Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet hes not laughing out loud