Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't stop drinking about you.

   I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love'. On the back, 'But I wont do that!'

   Bored? Update your Facebook to "in a relationship" with someone you've never met just to see if they'll confirm.

   whenever I start to get tired of being single... I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship is like.

   So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn't even have to happen at all.

   Honk if you love Jesus! Text while you drive if you want to meet him!

   Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're an ass.

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell others think.

   Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops?

   wakes up grumpy, but most days he just lets her sleep....

   We should be able to Text 911, you know, just in case you're hiding from a serial killer and can't talk.

   If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.

   no matter how hard it rains, two dudes under one umbrella is a little gay

   no woman will ever be truely satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money…

   I tuned into the Miss Universe Pageant hoping to see Miss Jupiter, but it turns out only Earth entered the competition.

   I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

   Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."

   If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest dammit! KNEES TO CHEST!

   If you don't like the new photo viewer on Facebook...Hit the F5 key after the picture comes up and it will return you to the old way of viewing the photo and remove the black box around it.

   Wow I slept like an air traffic controller last night.