Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   does anyone else always feel really bad playing that 'No Russian' mission on Modern Warfare 2, but at the same time loving it?

   When I read about yet another overnight shooting in the ghetto I can't help but sigh at the senselessness and hope it wasn't my drug dealer.

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   Saw a fashion report saying that with low riding jeans in style, butt cracks are the new cleavage. What was wrong with the old cleavage???

   Chuck Schumer just released a new book, it's called; "How to Be a Giant Jack A$$"

   I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?

   Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?

   I wish there was a ” like” button for texting.. so when I run out of things to say I can just ” like” their last txt and be done with it!!

   Remember when we treated the flu with chicken soup, saltines and tea instead of commmunism?

   "Once you go black, you never go back!" I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the trash.....

   Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.

   People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.

   I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending.. Do I need to explain the difference to you?

   You know you have been SINGLE enough when you start making up abbreviations of the word SINGLE like the loser below.

   seeing all these profile pics of old men in honor of Father's Day is giving me the creeps. My wall looks more like a list of sex offenders..

   I am pretty sure that my cute neighbor thinks that I am a stalker. She wrote it on Facebook, Twitter and in her diary.

   People are not mirrors, They see you completely differently than the way you see yourself.