Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend is having sex with his GF and her twin, asked how he tells them apart, he said her brother has a mustache!

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Why do people put their relationship status as " its complicated "??  We all know that means ur single but still doing ur ex.. why advertise that???

   I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

   Did you know "bathtub" backwards is still "bathtub"? It's not, but for a second there you believed me

   Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Walmart.

   “They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.

   The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.

   I've been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?

   If I could do a back flip you'd know it because that's how I would exit every room.

   Damn! Ghadafi, now Kim Jong, I think Sunglass Hut is in real trouble 

   Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?

   Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.

   Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $700,000 EVERY DAY! That’s $29,166 per hour. That’s $486 every minute. That’s $8.10 every second. WHY DO WE KEEP MAKING IDIOTS RICH & FAMOUS? WHY OH WHY LORD?

   When I read about yet another overnight shooting in the ghetto I can't help but sigh at the senselessness and hope it wasn't my drug dealer.

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   does anyone else always feel really bad playing that 'No Russian' mission on Modern Warfare 2, but at the same time loving it?

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   With the fuel prices as high as they are, I'm actually hoping for coal this year!