Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

   So you REALLY have no clue how stupid you look with your over sized pants (with a belt) hangin so low. Really?

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

   I'm thinking about suing the US postal service over their slogan "If it fits~It ships".... If that were true I'd be on my way to Hawaii right now.....

   The Social Network...Probably the first time I've actually read the book before I saw the movie ...

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.

   The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so no kid can escape.

   I don't get these "my body is a temple" people. I prefer to think of mine as a "bar & grill."

   People would be way more pissed if that guy ate a puppy's face

   why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you

   It is amazing how many problems you can solve by ignoring them.

   smaller the breasts, better the eye contact

   Playing hard to get should stop when the relationship starts.

   You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.

   Lighters should have an attached sticker that reads: Caution: Will go missing in a week.

   Count Chocula, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and the Teddy Grahams Bear perish in house fire. S'more at eleven.

   I'd love to make money at home in my spare time. But counterfeiting is harder than you'd think.

   Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.