Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so F'n tired of those cheesy Old Navy mannequin commercials!!! Are they really hurting for money that they cant pay real actors????

   I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   "Release the hounds" sounds so much more badass than "let the dogs out".

   CoD...... Keeping teenage pregnancy down, since 2003.\

   General Motors is poised to become “the success story” of the recession. GM said it wants to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota's brakes, Toyota's steering, and Toyota's accelerators!

   Was always told to practice the Golden Rule-treat others like I wanted to be treated...so I spanked you and pulled your hair.

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.

   The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so no kid can escape.

   I don't get these "my body is a temple" people. I prefer to think of mine as a "bar & grill."

   People would be way more pissed if that guy ate a puppy's face

   why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you

   It is amazing how many problems you can solve by ignoring them.

   smaller the breasts, better the eye contact

   Playing hard to get should stop when the relationship starts.

   You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.

   Lighters should have an attached sticker that reads: Caution: Will go missing in a week.

   Count Chocula, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and the Teddy Grahams Bear perish in house fire. S'more at eleven.

   I'd love to make money at home in my spare time. But counterfeiting is harder than you'd think.

   Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.