Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.

   I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah's Fitness.

   If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won't make you carry them.

   If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

   Well another year has passed, I think I have just about given up on the Mayans...

   It's not all bad for Tom Brady. At least he won't have to listen to Bruno Mars.

   I'd make more Broncos jokes, but I don't want to beat a dead horse...

   Just got three "BREAKING NEWS" notifications on my phone that two celebrities got married. This is why the rest of the world hates America.

   The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans

   facing facts; his only hope is the lottery.

   Since it's so hard to find new blades, I had to look at getting a new razor. But after looking at the names I'm a little confused: the Mach 4, the Hydro, the Fusion, the Nitro... Am I buying a shaver or a f*cking jetpack?

   Would it be good news or bad news if your Girlfriend told you that she was already married???

   People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   I went snorkeling so I could brag to my friends, but I'm having problems photoshopping the bathtub out of the pictures.

   never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version.?

   They named a hurricane after a guy, and where did it go? Straight for the virgin islands!

   Dear bacon company - is it too challenging to make a package I don't need to destroy to get open and that doesn't leave my hands covered in grease?

   Teacher: Imagine you're in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.