Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist

   Dear ex, I wouldn't delete you as a Facebook friend. I want you to see the happiness I found after you left.

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

   I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

   Walmart has made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing...... Walmart is going to invade Target.

   The world is ending in 16 days and I still don't know what I'm going to wear

   If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn't that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?

   I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.

   Only 9,000 more lies until Election Day.

   In addition to being able to click "Like", Facebook needs a "That's what she said." option

   if it wasn't obvious before, it should be now.....The 80s had the best cartoons.

   People who hate hand gestures: I salute you.

   Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.

   showed my son the switch that makes the fridge light go off when the door closes. He looked at me like I'd just shot Santa in the nuts.

   Ever have one of those days when you just want to go home and take a long hot bath with a small electric kitchen appliance?

   Dear Algebra, All year you made me try to find your X !!! Listen buddy...She's not coming back....So please get over it and move on!!

   I'd swim the ocean for you... LOL, just kidding, there are sharks in there.

   Traffic is moving pretty fast today, so I've decided to stop in the center lane open the hood and bring things back to normal. YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!

   Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.

   when I die.... my older posts will keep you entertained forever.