Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After all these years, I'm surprised nobody at CSI has found the light switch in their office.

   I am trashing the living room right now and spilling milk and cereal on the kitchen floor, then I will throw toys all over the yard.... this way the kids will be able to rest tomorrow.

   I can be the only guy at Walmart at two in the morning but as soon as I whip that box of Tampax on the belt, the checkout line is full and they do a price check.

   says it's no wonder the Earth ALWAYS wins the Miss Universe Competition....No other planet has EVER entered the competition!

   The economy is so bad, If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

   On a scale of one to Kanye, how badly do you want to interrupt me?

   Yes officer, I did hit the pedestrian, but instead of dwelling on that why not focus on how many I've missed??

   *<[:{D> ho ho ho

   Thinking about celebrating Christmas a week after Christmas for now on. Then I will be able to buy the same gifts at 60% off!

   Just when you got used to writting 2010....BAM!!! 2011 shows up!

   "New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.

   If my wife ends an argument with "Fine, do what you want!" I'm pretty sure the words "If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep" are implied.

   I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

   Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten

   I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck?

   Hey Febreze, the broken carnival ship would be a real good test for your commercial

   A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"

   Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   I'm going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837.

   Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"........................ Idiots.