Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what they say "Home is where you hang your enemies head."

   I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.

   Want to see Congress meet the budget deadline? Lion cages with doors set to release at 12AM. Lock all the doors. Watch the cooperation.

   wondering if the goverment shuts down does that mean we will no longer have to pay taxes?t

   I've been told I have a face for Photoshop.

   With all the technology now you'd figure power rangers would have better graphics....

   When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"

   There is no angry way to say "bubbles"

   Facebook's been down for 15 minutes and I'm freaking out because I don't know if anyone's having babies, eating food, or sad about work.

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur.

   Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.

   My parents told me: “You've got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.

   I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   I think a duck's opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!

   I just read an article where a study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 on a dating site, received 156% more emails than the under $50,000 ones. On a related note, my income is now $250,000. Your move ladies.....

   Wanted: A fat, drunk Doctor who smokes and feels my lifestyle is acceptable

   All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.