Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone around me is obsessed with finding true love. All I want is a girl who will laugh at my jokes.

   The preacher tells me today... " I hardly see you in church. You need to join the army of the Lord". I said... "I am. I'm in the secret service"

   "The guy at the first window called you a little b!tch." - Me at the second window at the Burger King Drive-Thru.

   Ok, screw it...I'm just gonna wait for the iPad 10 to come out. You know the clear one, has solar power, you can go deep sea-diving with it, and not to mention... using it as a bullet proof chest plate!

   Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like......Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go...

   I'm starting to feel bullied by all the anti-bullying commercials.

   Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.

   Which sounds classier, "dong," or "schlong?" I'm writing a letter to my grandmother.

   just found out there was no pinatas at the new years party and I owe the host 479.00 for new lamps...haha

   Hey..........all the political and media people are in Iowa. If we could somehow fence it off, this is our chance to start a new society. Who's down???

   If you don't already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.

   No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.

   I've been knocking for ten minutes. Don't people answer their bathroom windows anymore?

   Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things!

   Last night when I was drunk I asked a cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?"

   "The reason why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

   A lot of people assume when you laugh while texting someone, it's because what they said is funny. But in most cases, you're laughing at what YOU said because you're just that freaking hilarious.

   No one can change a person, but someone can be a persons reason to change. - Spongebob.

   Conrad Murray is guilty?!? In other surprising news, Kim Kardashian is getting divorced, Casey Anthony killed her daughter and Justin Beiber will never be anyones father because he is, in fact, a girl...

   Girls: Theres always going to be that girl you think is much prettier, funnier, sweeter and just generally more perfect but have you ever realized that you're probably that girl to someone else?