Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the cost of living has gone up and the cost of making a living is really up.

   Did a book report on facebook and passed.

   In the scale of 1 to Kanye West, how interruptive are you?

   loves automatic doors. It makes him feel like a Jedi.

   My ex girlfriend auditioned for American idol. She said if she got through, she would be on "Cloud 9". I told her she was more suited for "Destrict 9"

   I measure the wealth of my day by asking myself did I add more friends today over friends who have deleted me on Facebook

   Many years ago,Ozzy Osbourne asked me how he could get publicity to help his music career. I told him he needed a bright red hat. He thought I said "bite the head off a bat". And the rest,of course is history.

   never apologizes. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am....

   Where there's smoke, the possibility exists I might be cooking...

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers

   Damn court sux. If I ever got pooled 4 jury duty I would start all my answers w/ "According to the phrophecy..."

   Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway!

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

   wishes everyone involved in the Global Warming debate would all just Chill Out.

   scared of fortune cookies, mine said: this message will self destruct in five seconds.

   you know that feeling when you pick your nose and it all comes out in one long string... thats how I feel right now!

   Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

   My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

   Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a Jedi Master and use the force to open automatic doors like at walmart.

   You know those camp grounds where you have to pay to sleep outside? I wonder if those are offensive to homeless people??