Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.

   the refrigerator is a clear example that what matters is whats inside

   Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore --Said no one ever!

   People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion of this world is that people are used and things are loved.

   After spending 90 bucks for a gas fill-up today, I'm starting to see the advantages of being Amish....

   Baby, if you are reading this. Can you please bring me a beer?

   When I die I want the Cleveland browns to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time

   Chicks can only stay at their boyfriend's place for about 3 days, then they finally need to go home and use the toilet.

   I've counted 8 people so far whose New Year's resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?

   Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.

   The U.S. men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics this week,,,,, upsetting nearly 10 Americans.

   If you're constantly posting “loving my life!” as your Facebook status, you're probably not.

   Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.

   I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

   How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.

   Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."

   Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.