Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.

   The U.S. men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics this week,,,,, upsetting nearly 10 Americans.

   If you're constantly posting “loving my life!” as your Facebook status, you're probably not.

   I've counted 8 people so far whose New Year's resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?

   I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.

   maybe the Mayans were referring to the Twinkiepocalypse.

   I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...

   I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.

   the refrigerator is a clear example that what matters is whats inside

   Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore --Said no one ever!

   People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion of this world is that people are used and things are loved.

   After spending 90 bucks for a gas fill-up today, I'm starting to see the advantages of being Amish....

   Baby, if you are reading this. Can you please bring me a beer?

   When I die I want the Cleveland browns to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time

   Chicks can only stay at their boyfriend's place for about 3 days, then they finally need to go home and use the toilet.

   just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."

   Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

   My girl came down from taking a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my vajayjay in the bath and you know what that means?" I said, "The drain is clogged?"

   I see my self as a crayon, maybe I'm not yourr favorite color, but one day you will need me to complete your picture.