Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not waiting another minute for the lab results... the Valentine cookies from my ex-wife look good and I am feeling lucky.

   Acute Gout Attack!! - The Vegetarian's Revenge!

   Dilemma: Do I wash all my dishes or should I eat my cornflakes in a cup with a knife?

   "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt

   Men may be pigs.. Men may be Dogs.. But after all its women that get married to them.

   quitting smoking is very easy , I have done it so many times

   procastinating now. Don't see why I should put it off......

   Why can I not stop watching the Food Network?

   Did everybody see the trailer for the new Free Willy movie? They kept on showing it on the news.

   Gentleman is a man who can play accordeon but doesnt.

   Can clearly see a few people who ate a bowl of stupid for breakfast.

   Tonight I'm leaving my sobriety at home, along with my indoor voice and any behavior that can be mistaken as 'ladylike'.

   A celebratory beer after winning the gold - $1. While you're at it, might as well have a cigar - $5. a few Canadian women proving that this world truly is becoming too P.C. PRICELESS !!!!

   Oh! So you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar!

   I Did not I Repeat I Did not sleep with that young intern I Was up all night

   Cocaine is never a solution. Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.

   I just balanced my checking account, and discovered that I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something or pay a bill.

   such an unthoughtful farmer that he wants to smash his neighbor's White Mystery Eggs and slaughter their Baby Calf if he can't get them off his News Feed.

   realized that beating the drums is the only thing you get applauded for, if you beat anything else your either weird... or abusive.

   You can cross my mind, run through it, play in it, bounce across it, dance in it. There is alot of room in there...