Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was Home School Valedictorian!

   If any of you heard a loud, painful scream followed by hysterical weeping, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.

   I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally

   Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!

   Sometimes I wonder why I ever came to this Earth

   I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notificati​ons saying that I added them to the, "People I've f*****.." group, sorry..

   I'll never just put the seat down; the lid's going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

   If the internet is the superhighway... Facebook is that bad accident backing up traffic for miles because everyone can't help staring at it.

   I don't know about y'all but every time I see that Direct TV commercial...I really want a miniature giraffe.

   I figured out a great way to pick up women. I painted my car to look like a taxi.

   Dear Dr. Phil, Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first. Sincerely, Dr. Pepper

   I can confidently say I'm 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.

   When you get pulled over for speeding say: "Two wrongs don't make a right officer. How fast did you have to go to catch up to me?"

   Girl finds her prince, the bad guy gets killed, like we're living in a fairy tale this last week...

   Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.

   I'm glad people don't talk the way they spell, text, or type.

   ...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? ...WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?"

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   Holy Crap!! I was sitting there wondering why no one was posting and thought I was the only one left... Its All Good.. I accidently logged into my MySpace account.. That was a close one!

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.