Funny Status Messages

   sometimes stops when walking into a store, waiting for the automatic doors to open. Then I realize they aren't automatic.

   it rude of me to ask the nice philipino girl at the new Comcast Call Center (in the phillipines) to transfer me back to America? She lied and said her name was Mary.. We all know her name was NOT Mary.

   Biggest Social Networking Crime: You haven't seen someone for years; you vaguely recognize their name but not their face. They add you as a friend on Facebook and then after you accept them, you never hear from them again.

   Facebook 101: Seriously, if you've got something to say to someone, say it to them DIRECTLY. Don't post it on your wall for everyone else to see because no one else is interested, and people will just think you're a egotist.

   just released a new drink which contains Viagra instead of caffine called.... Mount -n-do

   A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part.

   singing.... is singing....old macdonald had tourettes e -i - e -i F%*K!

   When people say they've "tied the knot",they mean they got married. Or tied a knot around their neck. Which is the same thing anyways.

   I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder

   Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kid pointed to his crotch all day and said "woody!"

   If anyone can figure out how to be indoors and outdoors at the same time, it will be a cat.

   attention walmart customers, obama has officially declared that the drug war has ended, we will be selling marijuana, crack, cocaine and heroin on isle 7. thank you and have a nice day

   I'm so going to Hell now! ..... The good news is I'll see a lot of familiar faces... I CALL SHOTGUN!!

   defeat is not the worst of failures, not to have tried is the true failure!

   the most successful people are those who are good at plan B.

   no dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.

   The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

   She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were boinking.

   life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end> the faster it goes...

   asked the waitress what she recommended and she said the spinach dip was bangin'. Not quite sure how I feel 'bout that.