Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   returning Mike Tyson's pet tiger.

   said "See You Next Tuesday" isn't an invitation to meet up

   says according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid

   chinese calendar year of the cow . . .we had mad cow disease.Year of the bird . . .we had avian flu.This year its the year of the tiger...and well we have tiger woods' 'am not a prostitute,am just a sex addict' disease.Hope our women understand.

   Unless you're a steaming hot girl, most people don't really care how your day went. If it doesn't relate to them, then they don't wanna read about it. A friendly Facebook reminder of the STFU Association.

   I love having the power to make you read my status updates for no reason. Who's my b*tch? That's right you are!

   LOVE it when i'm home alone! There is nobody to verify that I have done NOTHING in the last 2 hours.

   When a girl gives me a hug, my hands envy my chest.

   It disturbs me that my boss, the guy who controls whether or not I keep my job, has one of those magic 8 balls on his desk.

   I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.

   I can only listen to you cybergripe about your problems for so long before I expect a pic of your boobs as payment for my services.

   Watched my first Baseball Game of the year and can't understand why they sing, "Take Me Out to the Ballpark"? Duh......aren't you already at the ballpark if you're singing that song???

   You know, there's one good thing about Monday and it's...... hmm.... wait... let me get back to you on that.

   pretty proud of being able to give up Lent for Lent. Didn't think I could make it but with perserverence, I overcame the urges.

   There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

   Never chase after a man or a train - another one will always come along.

   I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

   Before you meet your prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

   Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship

   There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.