Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   Wonders how do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   I dont say my wife is a bad cook, she just uses smoke alarm as timer !!

   How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

   You ever hear stories of people you have never seen before and you create an image of what they look like and when you finally see them you kind of get disappointed or weirded out that they don't look like what you imagined?

   Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   Sometimes I pickup laborers from Home Depot, but they always seem to run away when I get to the immigration dept. Go figure.

   People want a RELATIONSHIP, but always find themselves in a RELATIONSH!T.......Which one are you in?

   silence is golden but duck tape is silver

   Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won, though.

   does find it very funny that on the news they have immigrants who want to vote Tory !! just like turkeys voting for christmas ... they might aswell vote BNP !! buy hey , at least they won`t have to pay a higher tax rate !!

   Dear politicians: don't kid yourself for a moment that I'll believe a single word you say in the next month. Seriously. Save your breath.

   hey vegitarians...my food poops on your food!

   that you shouldn't base your life on what other people think!

   "In Super Mario, as in life, its Game Over when you get the girl!!!"

   Halloween is coming ... and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.

   menstruation.menopause.mental breakdowns...ever notice how all womens problems begin with men?

   If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else

   If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?