Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   picking all the W's out of their M & M's, gosh, there's just so many! :/

   To all the single mothers out there.......KEEP YA HEAD UP, cuz ain't no man worth your time down there....

   If you're not living on the edge you're taking too much space

   Dishes done....check.....laundry folded....check.....kids in bed.....check. And my wife says I am emasculated! Maybe I should look it up in the dictionary to see what it really means....

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde

   would like to thank Facebook for reacquainting me not just with old friends but also with people I never liked much in the past and for reminding me why in the present.

   wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.

   needs a shirt that says "Relax! It's not Swine Flu, it's just my allergies.

   I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?

   Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up and unplugged the computer.

   See if you can say "Irish Wristwatch"

   Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words

   BEER - Helping white men dance since 1881.

   Kids buy breakfast cerial the same way men buy lingerie for thier wives. They buy something they care nothing about just so they can get at the prize that's inside.

   If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

   U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown

   given up trying to understand the Indian project manager. If I try it causes migraines.

   going to get a tattoo that says "Live Without Regrets", and have it spelled wrong.

   I cut myself shaving this morning. Now I'm walking with a limp.