Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought my dog a cell phone today...it was a good deal...she gets free roll over minutes =)

   I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'" --Bill Maher

   I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure

   Don't think of it as thousands of dollars of your hard-earned money. Think of it as a toilet seat for the Pentagon.

   You know, If you say "Blackhawks" real fast a few times in a row it starts to sound like something else...

   likes poetry, long walks on the beach.... and poking dead things with a stick.

   It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

   thinking it must be Thursday, Larry King is getting divorsed

   thinks BEER is the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was.

   glad to hear that the IRS is finally concerned that some people have been trying without success to dial the IRS Taxpayer Assistance Hot Line since 1984.

   In Texas, the words Texas & Taxes sound alike. This makes today confusing for them, I bet. I'm not concered, I already did my Texas.

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....

   The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: (1) How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2.

   "sex is like a restaurant - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   If a book about failure doesn't sell, does it become a succes?

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said 'I wanna watch'

   took his ex out last night... only took one punch.

   listen up men, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

   Rock breaks scissors. But paper covers rock, and scissors cut paper! We have a conundrum. Search for paper... and bring me a rock.

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."