Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   no woman will ever be truely satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money…

   Roses are Red, Winters are Cold, Now get on your knees and Do what you're told!

   went three doors down & fell into a puddle of mudd...had to tie a slipknot to get out>>

   's 3 year old daughter has shown herself to be a real woman. She has no interest in baseball and had no interest in Daddie until baseball came on.

   How about you climb down from your high pedestal and join the rest of us! This is where you belong anyways...

   Onomatopoeias are one thing, but then there are words that look like what they are... like bed.

   thinks if your dog is wearing clothes, you're probably an a-hole.

   only updating my status because my legions of fans expect me to.

   SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: The amount of Alcohol consumed can directly increase the amount of facebook activity.

   How come we can't say the word n*gro in a song but can have a group called Uncle Kracker?

   life is too short for regrets, so stop fighting ur enemies. Just get rid of them altogether. Dead men tell no tales...

   Bought my dog a cell phone today...it was a good deal...she gets free roll over minutes =)

   I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'" --Bill Maher

   I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure

   Don't think of it as thousands of dollars of your hard-earned money. Think of it as a toilet seat for the Pentagon.

   You know, If you say "Blackhawks" real fast a few times in a row it starts to sound like something else...

   likes poetry, long walks on the beach.... and poking dead things with a stick.

   It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

   thinking it must be Thursday, Larry King is getting divorsed

   thinks BEER is the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was.