Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady in labor, shouting the usual sh!t, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you f&cker!” He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your a$$, but you said, ‘f&c

   According to legend, the only way to appease the volcano in Iceland is to sacrifice Miley Cyrus & Justin Bieber.

   Hard math problem. Studies have shown that the people who solve this usually have an IQ of 120 or more. If 2+3=10, 6+5=66, 7+9=112, 12+8=240 then.. 14+3=?

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your Facebook request I'd have enough to buy a real farm.

   accidentally turned off his facebook anti crap filter and was scared by the amount of quizzes, farm, fairyland, mafia and virtual f&cking cupcake crap you people post, if it wasn't for facebook purity I would delete alot of you

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

   facebook – Never letting you forget any of the douchebags you've fuct

   My Craigslist hooker turned out to be a man. It has been over an hour and he won't take a hint to leave. He can keep my 200 bucks. This was a poor idea.

   I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know how to quit it.

   is the natural alternative to paracetamol and vodka....yes ladies you heard it here first LOL

   I can't wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.

   I think, therefore I am overqualified.

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

   added my friend Jamal as a neighbour on Farmville yesterday.I logged on this morning to find that all my chickens had been stolen and he'd opened up a KFC

   entering the doors of a chinease buffet and a little kid said, "daddy, I think I just heard a dog bark."

   Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   "If you're good at something, never do it for free" ~ The Joker (The Dark Knight)