Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Twilight showed me it's okay to date underage girls if you're a 107-year-old vampire

   wondering why someone would put down their needle anywhere near a haystack.

   I have just finished my thesis: "Pyrotechnics Lead to prosthetics". Keep all your digits safe! Happy 4th!!

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   Talk is Cheap because the supply has always exceeded the demand.

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   friend request you on facebook?? woah, slow down we just met. tell me about yourself...oh, you're in the mafia AND you're a farmer? check please.

   You know what's horrible? Accidentally seen your parents "doing it". I will NEVER go to THAT website again!

   You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.

   Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18...

   Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while

   This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again

   not feeling himself today............ anyone else wanna try!!! :-)

   refuses to "lather, rinse, repeat". Seriously... how dirty do they think my hair gets?!?

   Today my heart will do all my thinking. It gets free reign to walk barefoot in the grass.

   I'm the author of my life.Unfortunately I'm writing in pen so I can't erase my mistakes

   Please don't ever change! I always want to be better than you.

   I think this day just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...

   I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?