Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.

   HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

   May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.

   I trust you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do tonight

   I got an idea for MTV....Film The Real world at my house....The real world, where your wallet is empty and your mailbox if full of bills!

   just because he knows he's smarter than you doesn't make him arrogant, just part of the majority

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   - I am looking for my Valentine's Day Date on the Casual Encounters Section of Craigslist.

   - Of course, the great thing about tomorrow is that all of those heart shaped Russell Stover's and Whitman's sampler boxes will be 50% off.

   found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on...not sure which one.

   can't seem to remember to forget you

   Censorship is █ very ██████ █████ in █████ ██████...

   Yes I know that "IMHO" means "In my humble opinion." In my humble opinion you are calling yourself a ho every time I read it.

   I need a way to change my relationship status to "Out of Order" or "Temporarily Out of Service."

   If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.