Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.

   it be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back

   I missed it. How did Sarah Jessica Parker do in yesterday's Kentucky Derby?

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

   My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   Anyone who's says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", has obviously never gone through a divorce.

   Thanksgiving is almost here.Dont forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.

   So the Chantix commercial says to call your doctor immediately if you experience a siezure...Is it just me or would it be pretty difficult to pick up the phone and dial while shaking violently?

   Debt doesn't buy happiness either.

   a show called the view shouldn't hurt your eyes

   I'm at my most badass when I'm popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.

   The Walking Dead could have saved a ton of money if they would have filmed in Detroit due to the fact It looks like a herd of walkers already walked through it.

   You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.

   The average age of the viewing audience of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is probably 35-45 years old.