Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..Hey,,, Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his neighbor in the woods?

   I'm smiling on the outside because I have a rainbow of pills on the inside.

   Whenever I see someone running in normal clothes, I immediately assume something is wrong.

   It must have been very awkward for the guy who invented the tampon when he had to explain his invention to everyone else.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, Why don't I have a record deal? Then I take them off and I know why.

   The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.

   that embarrassing moment; when you're yelling at someone, and you mess up a word.

   Who the hell is Kim Kardashian and why should I care?

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.

   The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me.

   I don't do drugs. I can get the same effect just standing up fast!

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?

   Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth... it's called "talking"

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   If you want to cry use a tissue; not your Facebook status. !!

   Your duty as a best friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck

   Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.