Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/

   Unicorns are real, They are just fat and gray and we call them Rinos

   These food stamps taste terrible...

   To those who do not believe that war is the answer... Please enjoy your "Independence Day". Heck enjoy the whole weekend.

   Did you put the "Baby on Board" sign on your minivan to let me know you have precious cargo OR to warn me that your going to drive like an a$$hole and pay attention to everything but the road? just curious....

   The only thing worse than awkward silence, is when that silence is broken by an awkward "Soooo anyways."

   I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure

   My gf says I never listen to her (or something like that)

   Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   believes that if politicians don't have to pay their taxes, we shouldn't either

   Cyber sex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded Starbucks.

   The new version of Pac-Man is so awesome, it comes with a search engine built into it

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.

   Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!

   will not discriminate against the following: race, religion, sex, or creed. However UGLY... I have to draw the line somewhere!

   Things in my life are finally starting to click...... Like my elbows, my knees, my feet,etc;

   Putting kids to bed is a little like playing WHACK-A-MOLE.

   partying isnt wasting money. its investing in good memories! :D