Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It must be a real self-esteem killer for a fat lady if the show always ends after she sings.

   I said I would never watch another 3-D movie after watching "Dirk Diggler" in Boogie Nights 3-D but Toy Story 3 kicked ass!

   Im down to funnel three 40's and talk some $hit!!!

   Happy fathers day to all you dads out there. ADVICE: Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. :)

   I must find time to practice for my vuvuzela recital.

   so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!

   An yank walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Bud.The barman replied "You're American aren't you?" The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered?"The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest f**k I have ever seen”

   Today I want to say happy fathers day, and also say thanks to all the moms. just remember fellas without moms there would be no dads !!

   Happy Father's Day to all of the guys who have a kid and don't know about it.

   Dear Friday: You have been gone all week, no visit, no call, no nothing. For some reason your absense doesn't bother me, I am glad to see you again...so is my liver, Cheers!

   enjoying deleting friends on Father's Day. I'm pretending I'm disowning my children.

   wants to know where in the rhyme it says Humpty Dumpty is an egg!

   welcomes you to her profile. Straight jackets are by the wall, meds are in the boxes. Enjoy your stay, and please visit again!

   went to the supermarket to buy some fresh food but could only find dead animals & plants...

   marriage is really tough cause you have to deal with feelings....and lawyers

   teaching my dog to remove comdoms like I taught it to remove my socks wasn't a real smart idea... Just saying, thats all... =\

   After all the years of using condoms, it was only today I realized what the little bit on the end is really for... It's to put your foot on, to get the tight ba$tard off! Or maybe that's just me?

   Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 5318008 into a calculator.

   got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.