Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When I see you in hell I'll still ignore you
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So where am I supposed to put my rage when I’m driving?
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog?
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No, I don’t want a sex robot. I have my wife for that.
←Rate | 11-06-2017 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ate too much salad over the weekend so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.
←Rate | 11-06-2017 08:58 by djjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car
←Rate | 11-06-2017 15:24 by FastPhil Comments (0)  

   messageicon Snapchat isn’t working. It’s the end of the world!
←Rate | 11-06-2017 18:01 by Broskino Comments (0)  

   messageicon The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
←Rate | 11-06-2017 22:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon so what if I'm single now? I mean it cant be that hard to boil toast can it ?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 10:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A big part of adulthood is waking up every morning wondering if you have caught a cold or is this just the new normal?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wondering if there are any cold days in Hell, and if so does Satan slam his fist and say, "okay what band just got back together?"
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:43 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if this guy in line in front of me would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird.
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions. I know that now.
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes, that smartphone in your hand is the gateway to the sum of all human knowledge. And you are searching for 'kids funny drive thru'
←Rate | 11-07-2017 12:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Something seems ironic about Macy's 249th "1 Day Sale"
←Rate | 11-07-2017 12:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pumpkin Spice eyeliner? Have we gone too far?
←Rate | 11-07-2017 12:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”
←Rate | 11-07-2017 20:31 Comments (0)  

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