Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.

   Has that kid in the Dreamworks logo even caught a single fish yet?

   Congress just passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another....In other words, my trip out of town for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

   The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.

   Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.

   Facebook reminds me daily how moving out of my hometown was a great idea

   so.... I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits....Okay....a booklet....FINE....a sticky note then....Whatever....

   video game logic: Everyone worse than me is a noob. Everyone better than me has no life

   If you're going to stalk me at least notice when I'm running low on toilet paper & change the roll.

   I remember as a teenager I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even have the ringer on.

   They should just install an elevator on Mt. Everest and be done with it.

   I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   Fact: You can burn up to 10 calories a minutes while having sex... Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk....then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I'm alone and I'm very grateful they can't.

   The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.

   When you open your heart to someone, there is blood...... LOTS and LOTS of blood... And then you die. So don't open your heart.

   Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.

   My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep.

   I thought we were gonna buy Mexico, Then fix it up & flip it... What ever happened with that?