Funny Status Messages

   I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.

   Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)

   Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

   The cashier asked if I'd like my milk in a bag to whom I replied "No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container."

   In sept 1945 I wish "he" was shot into space instead of his mother being impregnated with him.

   Eye Doctor: Sir, you're color blind. Me: Wow, that came out of the gray!

   I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?

   We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January

   If you add coconut oil to sauté'd kale it will make it easier to scrape it into the trash so you can fry bacon.

   am I watching The Weather Channel or Game of Thrones? it looks like winter is coming

   I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".

   I wish there were private counselors who would meet you at a chipotle and let you pour your heart out while you stuff your face.

   I just got a new smartphone with a app installed on it that tells you which of your friends spend to much time starring at their phones who are in need a social life that's called facebook.

   Breast are proof that men can concentrate on two things at the same time.

   My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."

   If a tree....I mean If didn't brag about my activities on Facebook did they really happen?

   Butter pecan ice cream taste like a senior citizen discount

   I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now

   They're bringing back the federal government for a limited time, like it's the McRib.

   So cold my foot long shrunk to a 6”...I didn’t go to Subway today either.