Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.

   Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.

   Your not old until your toenails look like Frito chips.

   Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.

   Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.

   When we start seeing our posts used by comedians...It's time to band together and sue!

   What so sad is when you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

   Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out

   I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.

   Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight.

   I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.

   Facebook buys Instagram for $1B! A website that makes people better looking. They probably could have bought Smirnoff for half of that.

   I hate when crumbs fall down your cleavage.....sometimes I think my boobs eat more than I do

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   If I come to your house and you say "make yourself at home", don't get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.

   now a days...all the little rascals would have been removed from their homes and the parents would be facing neglect charges

   Mark Zuckerberg is 28 today and is worth $100B. Reminds me of when I was 28 and was able to purchase groceries without selling plasma.

   Oh lord, give me patience and inner peace because if you give me strength, I might just punch somebody in the face.