Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!

   the only thing about having bags under your eyes is that I can never find any shoes to match :(

   Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   this is just a test. Had this been a real status update, it would of consisted of babbling of an idiot rambling on about monkeys and their banana eating ways. We thank you for participating in this test.

   it's a real shot to the ego when you join a internet dating site and can't get a date

   WANTED: Schrödinger's Cat - Dead and Alive

   If a doctor ever prescribed you anti depressants its a great chance you don't need a FaceBook

   very keen on multitasking, and therefore doesn't appreciate being told which electronic products she can or cannot use while in the shower.

   Can't stand when people quote music lyrics in their status. we know how the song goes, we already heard it 500 million times on the radio. but "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars," "ops I did it again," "somebody call 9

   ..poked in the heart and you're to blame..you give Facebook a bad name..

   dear science, thanks for all your contributions lately, but is there a chance we can get some windshield wiper fluid infused birds anytime soon? Thanks:)

   locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

   New Word: Procrastibation - Needing to do something important like laundry, but decide that getting off is more important!

   how come vehicle start to break down as soon as you pay them off... Do manufactures click a botton or something???

   St. Anthony just asked me if I have seen his keys...

   I'm in line at "the dollar tree" and a woman grabs a pregnancy test from the "impulse buy" section at the register. Who see's this in line, and thinks..."hey, I could use this for a buck" Your thoughts? Concerns?

   Snap! Crackle! F*ck!? Did I just put something metal in the microwave?

   I want you as much as Lady Gaga wants Alejandro!

   wants the Micro Machines Man to do my eulogy.

   Those that are often disgusted by others are usually most disgusted with themselves. But will rarely admit it.