Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :Weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.

   LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.

   Nicki Minaj looks like the type of person who would just squat & take a sh!t in the middle of a busy street, not wipe, & keep on walking.

   I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.

   Everything I know about U.S. history and geography I learned by reading the sides of U-Haul moving trucks.

   Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"

   My friend just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"

   ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos ......

   The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

   Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”

   Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.

   Thankyou for calling Comcast America's #1 Cable Co. My name is Habib Akmed Musaffa Akmed Habib, How may I mis-understand you today?!!!

   When times are Tough, you know who your Real Friends are. When times are Easy...you know who your Drinking Friends are!

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

   I miss the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...

   I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)