Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter where you live, there's always 1 light switch that doesn't do anything.

   Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

   I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.

   There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce :(

   If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.

   The best part about daylight savings is that the clock in my car is correct again.

   FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow

   Morning America, what are we offended by today?

   No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change

   I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now

   It disturbs me that my boss, the guy who controls whether or not I keep my job, has one of those magic 8 balls on his desk.

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   If you hated taking quizzes in school, why the hell are you doing them on Facebook......and putting them on my News Feed?

   Ladies, men are not that hard to figure out. They are a lot like carpet tiles… If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

   It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville...WTF!

   wished I could teach you.... but you cant teach "awesomeness," so just hang out in the back and watch me work!

   Would Like To Personally Thank VH1 and MTV. For helping the White Trash of America with jobs during these down economic times with the shows Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, And 16 And Pregnant..... Way To Stimulate Our Minds And Economy.