Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me

   Thank god for smartphones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom

   SCARIEST THING EVER: Flushing a toilet & seeing the water coming up instead of going down

   I don't think it's by accident that the ceilings in trailer homes aren't high enough to hang yourself from.

   GF: Babe what are you doing?? BF:Nothing much, really tired just going to sleep now hunny and you sweetheart ? GF:In the club standing right behind you

   Late fees make no sense. Charge me more money for not having enough money to pay you in the first place. Same with overdraft fees. I'm $2.00 short in my account (which means there is no money in there)......so take out $35.00 more.

   I hate when people ruin my status by commenting with their lack of humor.

   sneezing + taking a leak + Morning wood= one big mess

   Just killed a spider for the first time without peeing myself. Thug life.

   Never trust anyone who says "Im not supposed to tell anyone but..."

   Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 50 cents.

   started taking Gingko Biloba pills to improve his Memory...but, he keeps forgetting to take them!

   Just Overheard on BlackOps online;Guy 1: YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION!!!! Guy 2: I know I Hate my sister!

   Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. - The Opportunist

   My math teacher staples Burger King applications on failed tests.

   My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.

   I use to get a little nervous if I saw a policeman in my rearview mirror, these days I feel the same about a Toyota.

   YOUR interest in your own kids: 100% Everybody else's interest in YOUR kids: 0.3%

   just witnessed a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck.. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.