Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My high school coach was just gunned down in the street....I told him to 'walk it off'

   My first thoughts after hearing that Richard Dawson died were ... again?

   The Best solution against Zombies, is Weed......Light em Up!

   the sun does not rise, it stays still. it's the earth spinning that makes it seem like it moves silly people.

   if you have something really big to wrap, don't waste time on wrapping paper. Just buy a cheap plastic table cloth. ho ho ho

   The Weather is here...I wish you were beautiful...

   Encyclopedias are just ghetto Google.

   If you're fat and you are sitting down, there's a 100% chance your crack is showing.

   I see your lips moving, but I just hear blah blah blah

   So I see that most of the major Pizza chains are offering Cheezy Bread Sticks as a side item to Pizza...SMH* like we are not already getting enough bread and cheese from the Pizza...lets add more on the side!! lmao- America is dying ;One Cheezy Bread Stic

   teacher: are you sleeping in my class? student: no, uh, a bug flew in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate it. :D

   Clitoris is such a beautiful elegant word. I'm just a guy with a ballsack.

   If the colts go 0 and 14 should we rest are starters for the playoffs?

   Would it really hurt to use to FAWKING BLINKER PEOPLE!!!!!

   You're curious as to how Taylor Swifts songs will change when she can legally drink alcohol

   Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"

   I didn't even know Kim Jung was Il.

   I name my pen!s "Attention" because we all know how much women love attention

   Man-Flu is more painfull than childbirth. This is a scientific fact*. *(based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "handshakes"...