Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop obsessing about sex. Relax, and breathe slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. In... and out... in and out... IN AND OUT! IN AND OUT! FASTER!

   I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.

   Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.

   I didnt win the mega millions. But if you did I LOVE YOU!

   I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion...

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon."

   Music is the best Time Machine.

   How the hell do you look important walking around a clipboard factory?

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   That one minute party you have when the teacher leaves the room

   If you watch Black Swan backwards, it's about a dancer who cures her insanity by sleeping with Mila Kunis.

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Time heals everything...except bad tattoos.

   Behind every great musician, there is a great drug dealer.

   i just saw several boys gathered in my neighbors yard. Figured its probably related to someones milkshake. or a drug deal... too soon to tell.

   "I didnt do it..." "Then why are you laughing?" "Cause whoever did it is a f*cking genius!"

   Gadaffi has been killed but unfortunately the 14 other spellings of his name remain at large.

   Mmmk....can we please have cheaper gasoline now that Ghaddafi is dead?

   Me: "What was your major in college?" Friend: "I'm majoring in Debtology and Unemployconomics. Sure is a lot of students in the classes."

   If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.