Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If ‘real life' was really that great, Facebook wouldn't be so darn addictive.

   The life was much easier when Blackberry and Apple were just fruits..

   My wifes name is KEYBOARD and I tap that every day!

   Next week I'm going to leave my son home and bring a canned ham to his T-ball practice and see if the coaches notice.

   Just call me angel of the morning angel, just touch my cheek before you leave me

   After years in hiding, Osama Bin Laden walked into a bar. He ordered a shot and water chaser.

   has beat anorexia, thanks everyone for your support, now pass the bacon buffet

   I missed my 5 minute window for a Jack Kevorkian joke. Dammit... now they have all been done to death.

   When keeping it real goes bad - making an ass of yourself on your man's facebook wall while trying to mark your territory and make the hos on his friends list jealous.

   in a arguement yelling is the next best thing to being right

   have you noticed that when somebody in a movie is told to look out the window they never go to the wrong one?

   ( o )( o ) - oh what a nice pair of frog eyes! what were you thinking of?

   "Hi Welcome to Starbucks!" "Yeaaah, I'll have a Café- Mocha Vodka-Marjiuana Latte to go please." Um Sir we don't have that" Oh I'm sorry I meant a Pumkin Spice Latte"

   I won't ever drink nasty Pumkin Ale again. The taste makes me think of The Great Pumpkin standing at a urinal.

   i only watch family feud until the white family wins

   My toilet seat was stolen, not sure who took it, right now I have nothing to go on.

   's Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.

   Parenting Tip of the Day: DON'T HIT KIDS!!! No...Seriously....They have guns now!

   Today is hump day right? so how come I havent been humped today??

   When there was only one set of footprints, that was when Jesus was flying. What, you don't think Jesus can FLY??