Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   Your check a$$hole light is on.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I hate it when chicks wear pink camo.I'm like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

   I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger.

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   I parallel parked today without turning down the radio....

   I've never liked FIFA either. They take way too much out of my paycheck.

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.

   When considering joining a site offering secret infidelity but requires you register with a name/photo, a good alternative is to not do that

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy the 45 minutes of Kenny Rogers greatest hits, and we'll be right with you.

   Thank God for yoga pants because I used up all of my imgination back in the 90's descrambling cable tv porn.

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   If FanDuel would just run a few more commercials, I'd consider joining.

   Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off