Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, if we get caught, just act like we don't speak English. Ok?

   In a meeting: "Let me reiterate what was just said" can be translated to "I have nothing productive to add but I like the sound of my own voice and think I'm important so I think I need to waste 5 more minutes of all your days"

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.

   Would if he could: Change his relationship status to "Pimpin'...and it's complicated"

   If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

   If Tylenol, Duct Tape & WD-40 can't fix it...you've got serious problems !!!

   I don't know what all the hype is about multitasking... I have tried it and it's isn't for me... It's just a fancy word meaning " you're screwing up several things at once".

   Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

   When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...

   If this past life dictating the stuff that happens to you is true, I really think that the previous life should leave an apology note or something. "Sorry dude but during this life, I did a lot of sh!t that's going to bite you in the @ss. Heads up."

   I think we all have that look perfected that says, "I am paying attention and appear interested in what you are saying", when my brain is really thinking about stuff like pancakes, tv shows, and leaving work early.

   Camping out for video game releases is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

   First drink & people speak their mind, 2nd drink people speak their heart. 3rd drink & people speak from their ass

   ~I almost made the mistake of doing some cleaning tonight. Luckily I realized Hoarders is on; so there will be no cleaning AND no guilt

   I call it "No-Pants Wonderday," but it turns out the police just call it "Thursday." Go figure.

   I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   Speaking of independence, does anyone know how many independence days does Egypt have? I have lost count.

   I make mistakes to further my education.