Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   Girls just wanna have fun? Yeah right, just try and not get her a Christmas present and see where that gets ya.

   Dear Zuckerberg: Please create a "Drama Queen" button = Like = Unlike = Drama Queen = Comment

   gonna make a bundle in zodiac tattoo removal!!!!

   sick of reality television show...If I wanted a dose of reality, I'd look out of my freakin window. -_-

   If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

   I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.

   walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In Morse code

   Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.

   "I'm Tom Bodett of Motel 6, we'll leave the Lysol on for ya"

   There are only 3 steps to sleeping with alot of women. 1). Have your own place. 2). Have a bar in your place 3). HAVE NO STANDARDS

   Wants to find something else for my dryer to eat besides one of every sock.

   ya ever notcie that the most comfortable one can be in bed is always one minute before you have to get up?

   If you're starting a sentence with "not to sound like a b*tch," guess what you're going to sound like...

   Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!

   Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn.

   Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.

   When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

   My insomnia has narcolepsy...

   learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.