Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering...have you ever felt like a fire hydrant and all your friends were dogs?

   should have been a Solid Gold dancer

   First, we had the iPod, then the iTouch and now the iPad. Is that for when they have their iPeriod? If so, I would hold off for the next larger version, the max-iPad.

   worried that Elmo knows where I live....

   I'm a pc and Windows 7 was NOT my idea.

   Paddy and Murphy walking down the road when Paddy finds a mirror He looks at it and says, "I'm sure I've seen this man before!" and then passes it to Murphy. Murphy then says, "You stupid idiot! That's me!"

   Im like domino's pizza, if I dont come in 30 minutes the next one is free.

   when you really think about it….life and nature are pretty simple….it's all about finding food, building shelter, and getting some

   Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

   If it hadn't been BP it would have been someone else. There are thousands of rigs around the world still pumping away as we speak and I haven't heard anyone mention inspection of their blowout preventers....

   so I finally got rid of all the FB recommended pages and ADs, Woo Hoo. take that FB

   .Of course Margaritaville sounds nice but living there would suck.. There's probably a DUI stop every 8 feet. And Living on Sponge cake? Really? Gross!!!

   what is the square root of pie?...MORE PIE!

   I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

   making some changes to her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. If I don't return your message you were one of the changes!

   has just seen a dude so ugly, that he look like a rough draft. Dude needs to be proofread and corrections MUST be made... Everythang is wrong... fragments, run-on sentences... damn

   Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

   If I had a dollar for every calorie I burned tonight, Id be in the hole 1200 dollars! Thanks Alot Papa Murpheys

   it's funny that on the show unsolved mysterious women are never included

   "I'll give you a TKO from Tokyo!" ~ Piston Honda