Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The hardest thing you can hit people with is the truth.

   You say you don't need to drink to have fun. All I'm hearing is designated driver.

   Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.

   It should be made legal to strangle people to death who ruin Facebook wallposts because they didn't get the sarcasm so post a serious reply.

   There's a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email.

   Just slipped in the shower and accidentally made a new Lil Wayne song.

   I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won't notice, but, buy a new phone case...

   can we now bring Casey Anthony to Arizona please, I like their system

   Ladies you don't sing better in the shower. It still sounds like sh*t, but you're naked so we tolerate it.

   Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

   During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.

   Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

   Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......