Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It should be made legal to strangle people to death who ruin Facebook wallposts because they didn't get the sarcasm so post a serious reply.

   There's a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email.

   Just slipped in the shower and accidentally made a new Lil Wayne song.

   I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won't notice, but, buy a new phone case...

   can we now bring Casey Anthony to Arizona please, I like their system

   Ladies you don't sing better in the shower. It still sounds like sh*t, but you're naked so we tolerate it.

   Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

   During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.

   I'd drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.

   Purposefully wearing white today. My level of badassery knows no bounds!

   I wish more people were fluent in silence.

   Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

   The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   To everyone who posts a second comment to correct your first comment, you know what edit means, right??

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."