Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   If state farm was like a good neighbor they would had plowed my driveway today for me.

   Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......

   "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.

   when judging someone for falling down remember someday you may need them to help you up.

   I whip my hair back and forth is probably the most depressing song for bald people

   FOR SALE: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

   Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.

   If time is money, then I'm running out of time very quickly

   Smile. It's easier than explaining why you're sad.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.

   Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.

   How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.

   Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

   Lance Armstrong admits to cheating. Can you believe the ball of that guy?

   Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.