Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Excuses are like backsides. Everybody's got one and they all stink.

   I'm only 40,699,852 likes behind Rihanna

   I got to remember not to say "nailed it" around Jesus when he returns

   Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year

   Soooo.... I take it we should expect to see Hulk Hogan put in his bid for the next GOP Presidental candidate now?

   My ex got me arrested cause I used to sit outside her house all day. She thought I was stalking her but I wasn't, I just had her WiFi pass.........

   It's 2016, if you're still liking your own posts, you should take your own fist and punch your own face...

   My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support

   I've wiped my bottom 47 times already. It's like there's someone back there with a paintbrush trying to p!ss me off.

   You know who else put mushrooms on their pizza? Hitler.

   Yes. Is time travel possible?

   People b**ching in the express line about the lady writing a check will be p!ssed when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Bud Lite.

   Dear customer service: I’m typing this with my middle fingers, if that tells you anything about my satisfaction.

   Sitting at my desk wondering how long I can get away with wearing my Halloween costume. I dressed up as the Obama-Care Website. #NotWorking

   Struggling to get my arm in this pringles can, so I get it black guys.

   I'll vote for her, but only if Bill has to plant flowers and pretend to care about children's literacy.

   Hot women are in one of two categories: They're bat$hit crazy or they have the herp...

   RoGhetto Stone is fo da hood, yo.

   Obama needs a grammy for those gas prices

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."