Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just heard that Janet Jackson and Randy Travis are doing the Super Bowl halftime show..

   This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.

   There comes a time when it's just time to come.

   I wish he had a heart so I could break it!! Stupid MF

   The slower the kiss, the easier for love to slip through.

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   Some girl on Facebook just posted “so happy, nothing can bring me down” Who has the heart to tell her about gravity?

   You make me want to be better at avoiding you.

   I'm CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!

   don't cry over spilled milk... it could have been beer...

   My boss is asking me to turn my reports in on time..... *like I DON'T write crappy jokes online for no pay lol*

   But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos

   Nothing hotter than a big sl0ppy tub of lard with a butterfly tattooed on her b00b.

   Don't flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

   I'm not saying I'm into guys, Babe. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have a man around to kill the spiders that you and I are both afraid of.

   Hi, if I have any relatives left on my mothers side of the family can you make yourself present so I can delete your sorry ass too. . .

   If you take all the veins out of a person and lay them end to end that person will die...

   O.K.... Now it's the scientists' turn to hide,,, and the Higgs boson has to find them

   Sorry I started a fight in the middle of your parking lot pARtyy- F.Gump

   Ladies, you can stop with the expensive bikini wax treatments. I have a roll of duct tape. . .