Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WTF! I was about to drink my vodka but it started screaming so I stopped and asked "what's wrong?", it said "you forgot to post a pic of me on your Facebook wall" and slapped me!

   Whether you celebrate Wanksgiving, Yanksgiving, or Spanksgiving be thankful for your hand.

   Apparently one of those 3 wishes he got from "Jeanie" didn't include livong forever....RIP Larry Hagman

   I can't believe people have nerve enough to still be shooting fireworks. They almost caught my Christmas lawn decorations on fire.

   Heard about the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.

   g ay athletes are nothing new. Why do you think they call the LPGA "dykes with spikes"??

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(

   Two F-words rednecks can't stand: Fire & Fury.

   Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in its first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

   Bl@ck History Month reminds us that peanut butter was invented by a bl@ck guy... One can only assume "Chunky" was in reference to his white girlfriend.

   If the range of decrease in Blood Alcohol Content is 10-20 mg% per hour. I should be able to drive my car next Monday.

   I was driving Home when I saw a Hitch Hiker holding a sign that said, "Heaven Bound." .......... Me being the Good Samaritan that I am, drove completely out of my way ......... To hit Him ......... I'm glad I could help him On his Way.

   Even if evolution is wrong, and it’s not, magic doesn't win by default. 434 Retweets 190 j'aime

   Wonder how much longer humans will continue playing make believe?

   It's the Holiday Season; clean your own spunk off her back.

   What Obama's secretary should have said, "Why don't you play #17 twice, its a nice par 3"

   now if I can train my cat to eat dog poop, I will never have to buy pet food again

   Mexico is like America's basement; yea, it's a little dirtier, but it's a lot more fun.

   Colorado is changing their state flower to "Sinsemilla"

   Sorry I lied about being on the pill and now you are connected to me until you die. - WOMEN