Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you get if you cross pms with gps?.... A Bit-h that can find you!

   I don't think I could ever work for Research In Motion (the maker of BlackBerry). How do I tell my parents I got a RIM job?

   Thanks to facebook, I got in touch with my long lost high school crush the other day and set up a meeting. I showed up with my charm and swag turned all the way up only to be disappointed when I found out she had turned into a "bullet I dodged"

   Melania Trump did her part in saving American jobs by having her official portrait taken at a local Sears Photo Studio.

   I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

   Election still got you down? It could be worse. You could be a conjoined twin with a g@y brother who has a date and you're the only one with an @$$.

   The moment Steve Bannon tells you to keep your mouth shut is the moment you start yelling as loud as you can.

   I’m tired of people complaining about $7.00 dollars beers, $10.00 dollars parking, and $20.00 dollars cover charge. Don’t like the prices? Stop coming to my house.

   I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   Call me crazy, but I'd rather see a taco truck on every corner than an anti-choice bigot on every Supreme Court seat.

   Trump: Don't judge me on the man I was 10 years ago. But please judge Hillary on the man her husband was 20 years ago.

   Redneck word of the day: pistol "I drank so many beers I think I might pistol the sun comes up."

   I kissed with an ohmless girl last night............. There was very little resistance

   So you're Chinese? "Japanese" Sorry..& what a cute litte girl.. "Boy" Oh a boy. Of course.. And I like your pet croc.. "Alligator" I should go..

   What do the Chinese call a 69? Twocanchew

   I GOT ALL KINDS OF B1TCHES!!! German shepards, chihuahuas, dobermans, poodles...

   A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

   My wife said she was going to leave me so I chopped off her legs ..then she came crawling back..!!

   I scrolled too far back on my timeline and I ended up on myspace

   If your boyfriend is pierced on both ears and wears earrings or as he likes to call them “studs”, then I am really sorry to inform you that he also has a boyfriend.