Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...

   I just saw Taylor Swift so I said "Hey Taylor, guys are a$$holes & relationships suck!". Long story short, I'm featuring in her next album.

   Where are you, Ray Nagel? New Orleans needs you! Said no one ever...

   I created an imaginary girlfriend,but she just wants to be friends.

   Booze may be a man's worst enemy… but only a coward runs from his enemy.

   What's the diffence between my wife and our dog? You have to command the dog to 'play dead'. The wife automatically does it when she hears stairs creaking.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone & go to another person and then another person and still didn't finish stalking the first one.

   Cous Cous: So good they named it twice.

   I need to work on playing hard-to-get. At this point I've pretty much mastered playing there-ya-go!

   Hello! I am the Happiness Fairy. I've come to sprinkle happy dust to brighten your day. Now cheer up damn it, this sh it is expensive!

   Men, if you think you've figured women out, just try to explain how the song "You're So Vein" isn't about him...

   I become the Usain Bolt of eating every time I'm sharing pizza.

   I know you were very attractive 30 years ago but that is history now.

   Remember when razors only had two blades? Or what tissue companies call the "good ol' days"?

   8:30am and it already feels like the longest day of the year.

   Im sitting on the bus minding my own business, until I pull out my Ipad...Long story short, I have 20 extra friends playing candy crush with me now!

   I think we should buy a lot of sh&t we don't need and then find a soul-crushing job to pay for them.

   You've actually friendzoned yourself the moment you allowed him to approach her in your presence, making you wait till they're done talking.

   I love bourbon and bourbon loves me. It's the most functional relationship I ever had in my life.

   YouTube = Commercials load within seconds.